Dr. Medicine's Crypt Of Nightmares' Journal|
[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 5 most recent journal entries recorded in
Dr. Medicine's Crypt Of Nightmares' LiveJournal:
|Sunday, December 5th, 2004|
Good day to all you goddamn sinners! Welcome to the church of A-Go-Go. I am the lord's most humble servent, Minister Panik. This night you shall all be purged of your sins. This night you shall once again be welcomed into the graces of our lord Jesus Christ. This night....okay I'll shut up now. So put on your white robes, pick up your hymn books, and give praise to the almighty Movie Review A-Go-Go!!!
Saw: Okay, feel free to call me "The latest guy in the history of being late" for taking so long to review this. Okay don't then, call me something else if you want. Here's the scoop, years ago, when your mom said to you on her death bed, "Honey, someday there will be a movie so good it will allow the guy who starred in Robin Hood, Men In Tights to reclaim his acting credibility." she was right. And Saw is that movie. With a setting so creepy and brilliantly lighted you'll be reminded of something else that made you say something about brilliant lighting and one of the most unexpected endings I have ever seen, this film is definitely a soon-to-be horror classic. If you somehow predicted the end of this movie then you deserve a writing credit because that's the only way you pulled that feat off. GO OUT AND SEE THIS MOVIE! It's probably in the dollar theatre by now.
Night Of The Demons: Oh Anchor Bay, we owe you a great pennance for finally bringing this Kevin S. Tenny classic to DVD. Let's count the glorious moments in this film shall we. 1. Guy gets decapatated while fucking his girlfriend in a casket. 2. Demon chick dancing all sexy like to Stigmata Martyr. 3. Old guy eating the razor blade ridden apples he intended to give to trick-or-treaters 4. Lipstick in the tittie. I'll repeat that for any poor sap who hasn't seen this. LIPSTICK IN THE TITTIE! A bunch of kids head to their town's legendary haunted house "Holl House" for a night of drunken partying. But Holl House is more than just a haunted house. It's actually built on cursed land and a stomping ground for demons. Before they know what hits them, three are possessed and the rest are fighting to get out. LIPSTICK IN THE TITTIE!
Night Of The Demons 2: Another Halloween, and another bunch of kids cornered in Holl House by Angela, the demon from part one. This time a group of catholic school kids, including Angela's sister Mouse, and of course Jan Brady skip the totally lame school dance to get down to some real fun with some demons. They manage to escape from the house but take a souvenier (The titty lipstick from the first chapter) that allows the demonic force to escape. Now Angela has invaded the school dance and it's up to the kids and their warrior nun teacher to stop her any way they can. Even if that means breaking out the holy water balloons, holy water super soakers, fencing rulers, and nunchauk rosary. They'll need them if they're going to save Mouse from her evil sister. A little more on the light side than the first but still a hell of a movie.
Night Of The Demons 3: Boobies come in abbundance in the third sequal in the Night Of The Demons series. Not much new here though. After an altercation with a store clerk leads to a cop being shot, a group of high school bandits take refuge in the legendary Holl House. But Angela's still lurking there and welcomes the guests. More serious than the second but this one still just doesn't have the magic of the original. That's not to say it's not a decent film and definitely worth a look.
Blood Cult: In the 1980's, before Sub-Rosa Pictures made it acceptable to shoot horror movies on video, and long before Blair Witch Project made it "art", there was Blood Cult. Before buying this dump of a movie I said to myself "Damn it I know I've seen this before and I'm pretty sure it sucked a fat one. But it's got a butcher's cleaver on the cover so I gots ta have it!" This just proves that I'm mildly retarded. Someone is hacking up the ugly young woman of the local sororities with a butcher's cleaver. Who cares why.
The Awful Dr.Orlaf: Dr. Orlaf is a man possesed. Consumed with restoring his badly burned daughter's beauty, he stalks the night looking for young women to bring to his lab and steal their skin. But a hot shot detective and his ballerina wife may be able to stop Orlaf's maddening scheme. There, did that sound like the type of description you'd find on the back of a cheesy 60's gem like this? One of Jess Franco's best!
Next week: The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living And Became Mixed Up Zombies. Did you get all that?PANIK
|Saturday, November 27th, 2004|
IF YOU'RE AN OTAKU, YOU MAY WANNA SKIP THIS ONE
Fuckin' Saturday! And Danpanik's not, I repeat, N-O-T at work. Sorry cancer patients, you'll just have to do without him for tonight. I actually do work with cancer patients. For once I'm not just being an asshole and a liar. Any-hoo, sit back, crack open a nice cool Shasta, and let the mindfuck that is The Movie Review A-Go-Go seep into your mind and brainwash you into watching the movies that I tell you to. Ready? Go!
House: After the whirlwind success of the Friday The 13th series, and of course Spring Break, Sean S. Cunningham was ready to sink all of those profits into a movie starring George Wendt. Somehow this ended up being a good idea. God must love Sean S. Cunningham or something. Anyway, House was born. And House is fuckin' great! I mean come on, George Wendt! Richard "Bull" Moll! And The Greatest American Hero himself, William Katt! The cast alone makes this movie worth checking out. After his Aunt commits suicide, horror author Roger Cobb inherits the big creepy house where his son was kidnapped a few years earlier. Upon moving into the place he finds it infested with demons. With the help of nosey neighbor Wendt he might just be able to get rid of them....and possibly find his son in the process. Ding Dong....You're Dead.
House 2-The Second Story: After the whirlwind video success of House, Sean S. Cunningham thought it might be a good idea to sink some of those profits into a sequal. Not your best idea Sean. Especially when Arye Gross (Soul Man, The narrarator on The Wonder Years) is cast as the lead. Jesse has just inherited the family mansion as well as the family secret. His parents were killed trying to protect an ancient Aztec skull said to hold the power to eternal life. So Jesse and his friend decide to dig up Jesse's great, great grandfather and retrieve the skull. One thing though, Gramps is still alive down there. He turns out to be a pretty cool guy though. Rarely do you find zombie heros. Now that it's back, however, the forces of evil are all about stealing the skull. More of a comedy than a horror film, this movie just falls flat. Especially against it's predesessor, which was one of the finest horror-comedies ever made.
The Horror Show: Ever go out and search in vain for House 3? That's because here, in America, it's titled The Horror Show. Actually this makes sense because this film has nothing to do with a haunted house, or really even a house, in general. After a killing spree that claimed the lives of 116 people, Meat Cleaver Max is finally caught by hard boiled cop Lucas McCarthy and put to death by electrocution. But that pussy shit ain't enough to take down this maniac. He takes a cue from Shocker and travels through the power lines into Lucas' home to take revenge on his entire family. Entirely unoriginal but the exceptional decision to cast the ultra scary Brion James as Max makes it a gritty, creepy, fuck of a movie!
The Manster: A reporter, covering a story in Japan meets up with a mad scientist who turns him into a monster. Within days the reporter is drinking, cheating on his wife, and growing a second head. Yeah, that last part's sorta weird but that's what happens you unfaithful prick! If you love awful 60's sci-fi as much as I do, this is some of the best there is.
Scream, Baby Scream: Jesus Troma, you've failed miserably this time. Sometimes I have no idea why Troma releases some of the garbage that they do. A famous artist, who's paintings usually depict fucked up looking mother fuckers (Yeah, top that sentence bitch) is actually conducting sick experiments to create the models for his paintings. You'll see every twist and turn of this film coming from a mile away and the end is more predictable than me boning your grandma tonight.
Living Hell: "A Japanese Chainsaw Massacre" proclaims the tagline of this shitslam of a movie. Of course there's no chainsaws whatsoever and unlike Texas Chainsaw, Living hell is not GOOD! After the mysterious murder of their family, an old woman and her granddaughter are forced to live with some distant relatives. But upon their arrival, they begin to torture the handicapped son of the family for no real reason. When the reason's finally revealed in the complicated, nonsensical, fuckin' retarded twist ending, you'll miss it having already killed yourself because you couldn't believe that someone actually thought it was a good idea to import this shit to America. You know, just because The Ring was successful doesn't mean we have to import every Japanese horror film because frankly, most of them suck cock. And for those of you who are obsessed with Japanese culture and just said "Oooh Danpanik sucks now because he said everything I love is gay." Yeah, that's what I said. Deal with it.
Whooo sorry about that rant there. Anyway, those of you who still like me can watch out next week when I finally review Saw. Sorry it took me so long. Hint: Saw is good.PANIK
|Monday, November 22nd, 2004|
HAUTE TENSION ALMOST BEAT ME TO DEATH!
Do you sum' bastards want sum Movie Review A-Go-Go? No. Why the hell not? I mean it's better than what you're probably doing right now. You know, sitting alone in your bedroom, lashing yourself with a whip as penance to Jesus for being such an asshole right before Christmas, while eating a plate of cookies that you made for Santa but your mom just told you that he doesn't exist so you're eating his food to get back at him for ruining your delusion. Or maybe that's just me. I don't know what you weirdos do for fun. Just read this and be merry.
Haute Tension: Alright bitches it's time to sit down and listen really hard for once in your goddamn lives! Okay. Ready. Haute Tension will kick your ass! Then it'll wait for you to recover and kick it even fuckin' harder! I don't like to use the phrase because it's so "movie critic cliche" but Haute Tension will keep you on the edge of your seat from frame one to the ending scene. Two female college students head to the French countryside to stay with one of the girl's parents on vacation. But on the night of their arrival, a sadistic serial killer invades the house and visciously murders the entire family (Using one of the most brutal throat slicings I've ever bore witness to.) and kidnaps one of the girls. Now it's up to her friend to hunt down the killer and save her before it's too late. The twist ending makes no sense really but it doesn't matter because it's still one of the most nasty and wonderful films of the year!
Squirm: Hmmmmm, how does one describe Squirm? Okay here goes. Back in the 1970's movies were plagued with overacting hippies. Squirm is no exception. If not for the disgusting scenes involving, literally, roomfulls of worms, this would be a piece of trash. But man are there a lot of worms. And worms are fuckin' foul. So Squirm is alright in my book. A little towm in the south is hit with one helluva storm that knocks down power lines all over the place. Little known fact: Worms hate electricity. In fact it makes them go mad.....FOR HUMAN FLESH!!! That's true. Really it is. Anyway, it's up to little southern belle and her cityslicker boyfriend to convince the town that worms is eatin' people all while trying not to become worm food themselves.
Zombie Death House: What do you get when you let John Saxon star in a film? Answer: Usually a pretty bad film. What do you get when you let John Saxon direct a film? A horrendous piece of shit that almost burned out my eyes upon viewing. Dennis is mixed up with the mafia. And that gets his ass sent to prison. A prison where good ol' John Saxon is testing pharmacuticals on the inmates. One of those drugs ends up turning people into violent killers. Then there's a prison riot and some other crap and then some machine guns and shirtless dudes and.....Fuck this awful filth.
Happy Hell Night: Thirty years ago, the boys of the Phi Delta Kappa fraternity brought a demon to this earth in the form of a priest. Most of the fraternity was killed during this time but the demon was locked away in an asylum. Now it's hell night, and the new batch of Phi Kappa Delta kids are out to pull the ultimate hazing prank. So they send two of their pledges up to the asylum to get a picture of the local legend. But of course, being drunken moron frat kids, they let the demon out. Fairly entertaining, the demon is truely fucking scary, and the "Happy Hell Night Theme Song" is still stuck in my head. Thank you Anchor Bay, you've done well.
Dead End: One of the things I find to be absolutely terrifying are dark lonely roads. Dead End is full of 'em. Another thing I find to be absolutely terrifying are random weird things found on dark lonely roads. Dead End has that too. A slightly dysfunctional family, on their way to Grandma's house for the holidays, decide to take a shortcut for the first time in twenty years. What they find are a young woman with a dead baby, a black car that keeps kidnapping and killing them, and a road to a town called Marcott that never seems to end. How long will it be before they're all driven mad or killed? Who knows? But it's super fun to watch them! Go out and buy this creepy ass movie right away. Just don't make the mistake of watching it alone in the dark like I did.
Well I decided against leaving you all. Or more accurately my computer illiterate ass figured out how to cut and paste. Still you should all get on up and join http://livejournal.com/community/the_docs_crypt
just to make a lonely movie reviewer feel loved. God knows I don't now. PANIK
|Sunday, November 14th, 2004|
PORNO REVIEW A-GO-GO
Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!!! Because it seems like every Saturday, lately, I have to work and don't have a chance to do the Movie Review A-Go-Go on Saturday so I have to do it on Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!!! Anyway I have some bad news. Due to the aforementioned hectic work schedule (They just love to work your bitch ass to death right after a vacation.) I didn't have a chance to watch Haute Tention. Rest assured that I will this week and next week I'll review it like a mad mother fucker. This week, however, you'll just have to make do with some other reviews.
Ruby: Super cheesy late 70's fear-of-demonic-possession flick starring Piper Laurie? Yeah, Joey, count me the fuck in! After the whirlwind sussess of The Exorcist, these types of movies started popping up all through the 1970's each claiming to be "Twice as frightning as The Exorcist" None of them were. Ruby especially. What Ruby is however is a lot of fun. The kind of movie you'll sit around with your friends and make fun of. Ruby (Piper Laurie of Carrie) is the washed up wife of a dead gangster. She owns a drive-in where she employs the other washed up gangsters who killed her husband. But her husband wants revenge. And he'll use Ruby's deaf/mute daughter to get it. Even if she's weird looking.
Dead And Buried: The Sister's Of Mercy kick ass. They have nothing to do with this movie but I'm listening to them right now. Anyhow, Dead and Buried, yet another 80's classic given new life by our friends at Blue Underground. In the tiny town of Potters Bluff something strange is going on. The tourist's all seem to end up lynched and murdered by the townsfolk. The sheriff wants to know what the hell's going on. But what he uncovers is a secret so sinister that you'll be like "Jesus Titty Fuckin' Christ that shit was sinister!" If your into needles in eyeballs, Robert Englund, and twist endings so twisted they make the Sixth Sense look like a bitch, then you'll love this!
Happy Birthday To Me: For some reason the DVD version of this movie has some lame ass cover with a girl holding a cake with a butcher knife in it. So if you've seen it and said to yourself "Damn that movie sounds familiar but this gaybo cover doesn't look right at all." Then just a reminder, the original cover featured some poor sucker getting a shish-kebab rammed down his throat. It was sweet, the movie wasn't. Plagued by plot twists that not only make the movie confusing but also make it downright boring and somewhat nonsensical. After an accident that takes the life of her mother, Ginny only remembers bits and pieces of her past. But her life is back on track and she's one of the in-crowd at her school. But someone keeps killing her friends. And it might be her. But it's probably not. Shut up.
Entrails Of A Virgin: This is a porno. Now I like porn as much as the next guy. But when I sit down expecting to see some entrails and then I'm bombarded with censored porn (Because of that stupid law in Japan about not showing ass or pubic hair.) then I get upset. A group of sleazy photographers and their models are stranded in the woods due to a patch of dense fog. For no good reason, a guy covered in mud, who I guess is supposed to be a monster, rises from the ground and begins killing the guys and raping the girls who subsequently die. Long story short, steer clear of this awful piece of fecal matter.
The House On Sorority Row: Now here's a hunk of 80's slasher goodness that'll put a smile on anyone's face. The girls of the Theta Pi sorority house are sick of their fat bitch house mother always getting in the way of their partying. So they decide to play a cruel trick on her involving a gun. But like any prank where a gun is brought into play, shit goes wrong and the house mother ends up dead. Or is she? That night, at the last party of the season, the girls are one by one picked off by an unseen killer. Is it the old bag back for revenge or someone totally out of left field? Either way it's fuckin' delicious.
That's enough of this shit for now. Just to let you all know, next week will be my final post on Horror Film Fan as I'll now be posting on http://livejournal.com/community/the_docs_crypt
I invite all of you horror junkies out there to join and spend some well deserved time relaxing in "DR. MEDICINE'S CRYPT OF NIGHTMARES!!!!!" Hopefully I'll see you all there. PANIK
|Monday, November 8th, 2004|
DR. MEDICINE WELCOMES YOU
So, since I started this bitch, I guess I'll kick it off with the first entry. I started this lil' ol' community here so that all you creepy little horror fans could come and chat 'till you die from it about the shittiest horror films on the planet. Got a comment about Blood Freak? Let's hear it. Did you burn you eyes out after watching Zombie Death House? Tell us about life as a blind person. Did you contemplate suicide after viewing Frankenstein's Great Aunt Tillie? Tell us what stopped you from ending it all. Soon I'll be posting all the back entries of Movie Review A-Go-Go as well as some new ones. So have fun bitches!