danpanik (danpanik) wrote in the_docs_crypt,
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danpanik
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SEE SAW!

Good day to all you goddamn sinners! Welcome to the church of A-Go-Go. I am the lord's most humble servent, Minister Panik. This night you shall all be purged of your sins. This night you shall once again be welcomed into the graces of our lord Jesus Christ. This night....okay I'll shut up now. So put on your white robes, pick up your hymn books, and give praise to the almighty Movie Review A-Go-Go!!!

Saw: Okay, feel free to call me "The latest guy in the history of being late" for taking so long to review this. Okay don't then, call me something else if you want. Here's the scoop, years ago, when your mom said to you on her death bed, "Honey, someday there will be a movie so good it will allow the guy who starred in Robin Hood, Men In Tights to reclaim his acting credibility." she was right. And Saw is that movie. With a setting so creepy and brilliantly lighted you'll be reminded of something else that made you say something about brilliant lighting and one of the most unexpected endings I have ever seen, this film is definitely a soon-to-be horror classic. If you somehow predicted the end of this movie then you deserve a writing credit because that's the only way you pulled that feat off. GO OUT AND SEE THIS MOVIE! It's probably in the dollar theatre by now.

Night Of The Demons: Oh Anchor Bay, we owe you a great pennance for finally bringing this Kevin S. Tenny classic to DVD. Let's count the glorious moments in this film shall we. 1. Guy gets decapatated while fucking his girlfriend in a casket. 2. Demon chick dancing all sexy like to Stigmata Martyr. 3. Old guy eating the razor blade ridden apples he intended to give to trick-or-treaters 4. Lipstick in the tittie. I'll repeat that for any poor sap who hasn't seen this. LIPSTICK IN THE TITTIE! A bunch of kids head to their town's legendary haunted house "Holl House" for a night of drunken partying. But Holl House is more than just a haunted house. It's actually built on cursed land and a stomping ground for demons. Before they know what hits them, three are possessed and the rest are fighting to get out. LIPSTICK IN THE TITTIE!

Night Of The Demons 2: Another Halloween, and another bunch of kids cornered in Holl House by Angela, the demon from part one. This time a group of catholic school kids, including Angela's sister Mouse, and of course Jan Brady skip the totally lame school dance to get down to some real fun with some demons. They manage to escape from the house but take a souvenier (The titty lipstick from the first chapter) that allows the demonic force to escape. Now Angela has invaded the school dance and it's up to the kids and their warrior nun teacher to stop her any way they can. Even if that means breaking out the holy water balloons, holy water super soakers, fencing rulers, and nunchauk rosary. They'll need them if they're going to save Mouse from her evil sister. A little more on the light side than the first but still a hell of a movie.

Night Of The Demons 3: Boobies come in abbundance in the third sequal in the Night Of The Demons series. Not much new here though. After an altercation with a store clerk leads to a cop being shot, a group of high school bandits take refuge in the legendary Holl House. But Angela's still lurking there and welcomes the guests. More serious than the second but this one still just doesn't have the magic of the original. That's not to say it's not a decent film and definitely worth a look.

Blood Cult: In the 1980's, before Sub-Rosa Pictures made it acceptable to shoot horror movies on video, and long before Blair Witch Project made it "art", there was Blood Cult. Before buying this dump of a movie I said to myself "Damn it I know I've seen this before and I'm pretty sure it sucked a fat one. But it's got a butcher's cleaver on the cover so I gots ta have it!" This just proves that I'm mildly retarded. Someone is hacking up the ugly young woman of the local sororities with a butcher's cleaver. Who cares why.

The Awful Dr.Orlaf: Dr. Orlaf is a man possesed. Consumed with restoring his badly burned daughter's beauty, he stalks the night looking for young women to bring to his lab and steal their skin. But a hot shot detective and his ballerina wife may be able to stop Orlaf's maddening scheme. There, did that sound like the type of description you'd find on the back of a cheesy 60's gem like this? One of Jess Franco's best!

Next week: The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living And Became Mixed Up Zombies. Did you get all that?PANIK
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