danpanik (danpanik) wrote in the_docs_crypt,
danpanik
danpanik
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PORNO REVIEW A-GO-GO

Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!!! Because it seems like every Saturday, lately, I have to work and don't have a chance to do the Movie Review A-Go-Go on Saturday so I have to do it on Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!!! Anyway I have some bad news. Due to the aforementioned hectic work schedule (They just love to work your bitch ass to death right after a vacation.) I didn't have a chance to watch Haute Tention. Rest assured that I will this week and next week I'll review it like a mad mother fucker. This week, however, you'll just have to make do with some other reviews.

Ruby: Super cheesy late 70's fear-of-demonic-possession flick starring Piper Laurie? Yeah, Joey, count me the fuck in! After the whirlwind sussess of The Exorcist, these types of movies started popping up all through the 1970's each claiming to be "Twice as frightning as The Exorcist" None of them were. Ruby especially. What Ruby is however is a lot of fun. The kind of movie you'll sit around with your friends and make fun of. Ruby (Piper Laurie of Carrie) is the washed up wife of a dead gangster. She owns a drive-in where she employs the other washed up gangsters who killed her husband. But her husband wants revenge. And he'll use Ruby's deaf/mute daughter to get it. Even if she's weird looking.

Dead And Buried: The Sister's Of Mercy kick ass. They have nothing to do with this movie but I'm listening to them right now. Anyhow, Dead and Buried, yet another 80's classic given new life by our friends at Blue Underground. In the tiny town of Potters Bluff something strange is going on. The tourist's all seem to end up lynched and murdered by the townsfolk. The sheriff wants to know what the hell's going on. But what he uncovers is a secret so sinister that you'll be like "Jesus Titty Fuckin' Christ that shit was sinister!" If your into needles in eyeballs, Robert Englund, and twist endings so twisted they make the Sixth Sense look like a bitch, then you'll love this!

Happy Birthday To Me: For some reason the DVD version of this movie has some lame ass cover with a girl holding a cake with a butcher knife in it. So if you've seen it and said to yourself "Damn that movie sounds familiar but this gaybo cover doesn't look right at all." Then just a reminder, the original cover featured some poor sucker getting a shish-kebab rammed down his throat. It was sweet, the movie wasn't. Plagued by plot twists that not only make the movie confusing but also make it downright boring and somewhat nonsensical. After an accident that takes the life of her mother, Ginny only remembers bits and pieces of her past. But her life is back on track and she's one of the in-crowd at her school. But someone keeps killing her friends. And it might be her. But it's probably not. Shut up.

Entrails Of A Virgin: This is a porno. Now I like porn as much as the next guy. But when I sit down expecting to see some entrails and then I'm bombarded with censored porn (Because of that stupid law in Japan about not showing ass or pubic hair.) then I get upset. A group of sleazy photographers and their models are stranded in the woods due to a patch of dense fog. For no good reason, a guy covered in mud, who I guess is supposed to be a monster, rises from the ground and begins killing the guys and raping the girls who subsequently die. Long story short, steer clear of this awful piece of fecal matter.

The House On Sorority Row: Now here's a hunk of 80's slasher goodness that'll put a smile on anyone's face. The girls of the Theta Pi sorority house are sick of their fat bitch house mother always getting in the way of their partying. So they decide to play a cruel trick on her involving a gun. But like any prank where a gun is brought into play, shit goes wrong and the house mother ends up dead. Or is she? That night, at the last party of the season, the girls are one by one picked off by an unseen killer. Is it the old bag back for revenge or someone totally out of left field? Either way it's fuckin' delicious.

That's enough of this shit for now. Just to let you all know, next week will be my final post on Horror Film Fan as I'll now be posting on http://livejournal.com/community/the_docs_crypt I invite all of you horror junkies out there to join and spend some well deserved time relaxing in "DR. MEDICINE'S CRYPT OF NIGHTMARES!!!!!" Hopefully I'll see you all there. PANIK
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