danpanik (danpanik) wrote in the_docs_crypt,


Do you sum' bastards want sum Movie Review A-Go-Go? No. Why the hell not? I mean it's better than what you're probably doing right now. You know, sitting alone in your bedroom, lashing yourself with a whip as penance to Jesus for being such an asshole right before Christmas, while eating a plate of cookies that you made for Santa but your mom just told you that he doesn't exist so you're eating his food to get back at him for ruining your delusion. Or maybe that's just me. I don't know what you weirdos do for fun. Just read this and be merry.

Haute Tension: Alright bitches it's time to sit down and listen really hard for once in your goddamn lives! Okay. Ready. Haute Tension will kick your ass! Then it'll wait for you to recover and kick it even fuckin' harder! I don't like to use the phrase because it's so "movie critic cliche" but Haute Tension will keep you on the edge of your seat from frame one to the ending scene. Two female college students head to the French countryside to stay with one of the girl's parents on vacation. But on the night of their arrival, a sadistic serial killer invades the house and visciously murders the entire family (Using one of the most brutal throat slicings I've ever bore witness to.) and kidnaps one of the girls. Now it's up to her friend to hunt down the killer and save her before it's too late. The twist ending makes no sense really but it doesn't matter because it's still one of the most nasty and wonderful films of the year!

Squirm: Hmmmmm, how does one describe Squirm? Okay here goes. Back in the 1970's movies were plagued with overacting hippies. Squirm is no exception. If not for the disgusting scenes involving, literally, roomfulls of worms, this would be a piece of trash. But man are there a lot of worms. And worms are fuckin' foul. So Squirm is alright in my book. A little towm in the south is hit with one helluva storm that knocks down power lines all over the place. Little known fact: Worms hate electricity. In fact it makes them go mad.....FOR HUMAN FLESH!!! That's true. Really it is. Anyway, it's up to little southern belle and her cityslicker boyfriend to convince the town that worms is eatin' people all while trying not to become worm food themselves.

Zombie Death House: What do you get when you let John Saxon star in a film? Answer: Usually a pretty bad film. What do you get when you let John Saxon direct a film? A horrendous piece of shit that almost burned out my eyes upon viewing. Dennis is mixed up with the mafia. And that gets his ass sent to prison. A prison where good ol' John Saxon is testing pharmacuticals on the inmates. One of those drugs ends up turning people into violent killers. Then there's a prison riot and some other crap and then some machine guns and shirtless dudes and.....Fuck this awful filth.

Happy Hell Night: Thirty years ago, the boys of the Phi Delta Kappa fraternity brought a demon to this earth in the form of a priest. Most of the fraternity was killed during this time but the demon was locked away in an asylum. Now it's hell night, and the new batch of Phi Kappa Delta kids are out to pull the ultimate hazing prank. So they send two of their pledges up to the asylum to get a picture of the local legend. But of course, being drunken moron frat kids, they let the demon out. Fairly entertaining, the demon is truely fucking scary, and the "Happy Hell Night Theme Song" is still stuck in my head. Thank you Anchor Bay, you've done well.

Dead End: One of the things I find to be absolutely terrifying are dark lonely roads. Dead End is full of 'em. Another thing I find to be absolutely terrifying are random weird things found on dark lonely roads. Dead End has that too. A slightly dysfunctional family, on their way to Grandma's house for the holidays, decide to take a shortcut for the first time in twenty years. What they find are a young woman with a dead baby, a black car that keeps kidnapping and killing them, and a road to a town called Marcott that never seems to end. How long will it be before they're all driven mad or killed? Who knows? But it's super fun to watch them! Go out and buy this creepy ass movie right away. Just don't make the mistake of watching it alone in the dark like I did.

Well I decided against leaving you all. Or more accurately my computer illiterate ass figured out how to cut and paste. Still you should all get on up and join http://livejournal.com/community/the_docs_crypt just to make a lonely movie reviewer feel loved. God knows I don't now. PANIK
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