danpanik (danpanik) wrote in the_docs_crypt,


Fuckin' Saturday! And Danpanik's not, I repeat, N-O-T at work. Sorry cancer patients, you'll just have to do without him for tonight. I actually do work with cancer patients. For once I'm not just being an asshole and a liar. Any-hoo, sit back, crack open a nice cool Shasta, and let the mindfuck that is The Movie Review A-Go-Go seep into your mind and brainwash you into watching the movies that I tell you to. Ready? Go!

House: After the whirlwind success of the Friday The 13th series, and of course Spring Break, Sean S. Cunningham was ready to sink all of those profits into a movie starring George Wendt. Somehow this ended up being a good idea. God must love Sean S. Cunningham or something. Anyway, House was born. And House is fuckin' great! I mean come on, George Wendt! Richard "Bull" Moll! And The Greatest American Hero himself, William Katt! The cast alone makes this movie worth checking out. After his Aunt commits suicide, horror author Roger Cobb inherits the big creepy house where his son was kidnapped a few years earlier. Upon moving into the place he finds it infested with demons. With the help of nosey neighbor Wendt he might just be able to get rid of them....and possibly find his son in the process. Ding Dong....You're Dead.

House 2-The Second Story: After the whirlwind video success of House, Sean S. Cunningham thought it might be a good idea to sink some of those profits into a sequal. Not your best idea Sean. Especially when Arye Gross (Soul Man, The narrarator on The Wonder Years) is cast as the lead. Jesse has just inherited the family mansion as well as the family secret. His parents were killed trying to protect an ancient Aztec skull said to hold the power to eternal life. So Jesse and his friend decide to dig up Jesse's great, great grandfather and retrieve the skull. One thing though, Gramps is still alive down there. He turns out to be a pretty cool guy though. Rarely do you find zombie heros. Now that it's back, however, the forces of evil are all about stealing the skull. More of a comedy than a horror film, this movie just falls flat. Especially against it's predesessor, which was one of the finest horror-comedies ever made.

The Horror Show: Ever go out and search in vain for House 3? That's because here, in America, it's titled The Horror Show. Actually this makes sense because this film has nothing to do with a haunted house, or really even a house, in general. After a killing spree that claimed the lives of 116 people, Meat Cleaver Max is finally caught by hard boiled cop Lucas McCarthy and put to death by electrocution. But that pussy shit ain't enough to take down this maniac. He takes a cue from Shocker and travels through the power lines into Lucas' home to take revenge on his entire family. Entirely unoriginal but the exceptional decision to cast the ultra scary Brion James as Max makes it a gritty, creepy, fuck of a movie!

The Manster: A reporter, covering a story in Japan meets up with a mad scientist who turns him into a monster. Within days the reporter is drinking, cheating on his wife, and growing a second head. Yeah, that last part's sorta weird but that's what happens you unfaithful prick! If you love awful 60's sci-fi as much as I do, this is some of the best there is.

Scream, Baby Scream: Jesus Troma, you've failed miserably this time. Sometimes I have no idea why Troma releases some of the garbage that they do. A famous artist, who's paintings usually depict fucked up looking mother fuckers (Yeah, top that sentence bitch) is actually conducting sick experiments to create the models for his paintings. You'll see every twist and turn of this film coming from a mile away and the end is more predictable than me boning your grandma tonight.

Living Hell: "A Japanese Chainsaw Massacre" proclaims the tagline of this shitslam of a movie. Of course there's no chainsaws whatsoever and unlike Texas Chainsaw, Living hell is not GOOD! After the mysterious murder of their family, an old woman and her granddaughter are forced to live with some distant relatives. But upon their arrival, they begin to torture the handicapped son of the family for no real reason. When the reason's finally revealed in the complicated, nonsensical, fuckin' retarded twist ending, you'll miss it having already killed yourself because you couldn't believe that someone actually thought it was a good idea to import this shit to America. You know, just because The Ring was successful doesn't mean we have to import every Japanese horror film because frankly, most of them suck cock. And for those of you who are obsessed with Japanese culture and just said "Oooh Danpanik sucks now because he said everything I love is gay." Yeah, that's what I said. Deal with it.

Whooo sorry about that rant there. Anyway, those of you who still like me can watch out next week when I finally review Saw. Sorry it took me so long. Hint: Saw is good.PANIK
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